I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize