just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
