you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
