your parents love me but you hate me
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need to align my fucking chakras
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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