Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I forget how to act sober
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
