I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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