here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
