Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize