my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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