It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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