Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
