get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
