I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
