Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
