My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
