Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize