tonight lets celebrate not being married
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
