Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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