I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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