WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
