Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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