nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
