All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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