The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
