hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
