She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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