She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
