This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
