I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
