just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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