is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
