So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
