She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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