Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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