I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
