I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
