apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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