I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think a kid would responsible me up
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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