he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
