When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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