Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
