He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
