she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
