Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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