Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
