You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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