I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
