I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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