Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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