i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
