Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize