Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize