i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
