I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
