I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
