so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
