Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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