I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
farters have to be the big spoon...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
