Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize