there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
how drunk are you?
Several
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
