i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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