That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
