I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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