1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
