Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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