She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
