The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
